+ I will keep my eyes upon Jesus +

Monday 21 May 2007
*.* Concern? Or simply being Busybody? *.*

Disclaimer: If you have a weak heart, I STRONGLY suggest that you just click the x button at the top right hand corner of this web page because this is not going to be a friendly post. I repeat again, this is NOT GOING TO BE A FRIENDLY POST and if I get nasty.. Who cares? It's my blog anyway. For the sake of having to pin point at people, I'll just use 'you'.

For just these past few weeks I've been hearing ridiculous stuffs about me. Firstly, I heard that people have been going around saying that I've been drunk almost every week. Look, for GOODNESS SAKE, use your PEA BRAIN to think. How much money do you think I earn every month for me to go drinking? Next, use again your pea brain (maybe a little more portion for this) to think that if I get drunk, then how can I drive myself back home?
I can confess I go drinking with my colleagues A COUPLE of times ever since I stepped into my working world and most of the time I drive myself back home. Just ordered a drink, sit there, enjoy the songs that they played, enjoy my drink and after that drink lots of water to flash it all out. Do you consider this bad? Define bad please. I don't go round having sex with guys when I'm drunk. I don't strip myself naked. I don't learn how to smoke. So tell me what's so bad?

Next, if you have been hearing me saying that I don't have money. Well, in a way it's true. I don't have enough. Even though I'm earning my own money now, I have to set aside about $400-$500 a month just for the petrol. It's my job scope to travel for site survey and testing. It's taking up one-third of my pay. Oh and I guess the next question you going to ask me is if there is a need for a car right? Well, I'm blessed that my parents gave me a car. Happy with the answer? Do you know how many times I offer to send people home with car rides? Do you know how happy I am when I do that? I feel that I'm blessing them and at the same time catching up and making friends on the journey? Why do I need to spell it all out? I think you people just cannot see. If you are jealous that at my age I get to drive a car and you don't, then deal with your issue first.

Now, do you seriously think that people with no money have to dress shabbily? Use your pea brain to think again (please). Did God say His people cannot have money and cannot dress with good clothes? Come on, if you think setting aside $100 a month just for shopping purpose is too little, then let me show you another scale of it.

Imagine getting an allowance of $250 a month, the obvious is to pay tithes ($25), monthly insurance at $80, $50 on transport, do a bit of your mathematics and tell me how much money are you left with for the whole month and what can you do with that. I tell you very honestly that many times I feel very deprived from buying things that I need, I like and I want. Blame me for not having a good finance budgeting these few months for just having to start work 3 months back. I'm learning.

After saying all these, I hear people saying that they are concern about me. Come on, there is a fine line to draw between CONCERN and being BUSYBODY. If you are seriously concern for me, please come and talk to me. SO FAR, NONE has spoken to me. By that, I feel you are more than a busybody. So, stay off and stop asking the questions to the people around me. Do you think you will know your life better or others? Obviously you know your life better than others right? Please think before making any decision to ask questions.

All you care about is the money going in to your account. Just because asking for a $100 subsidy can make such a big hoohaa and none came to ask me why. BUT! Why do I hear people talking behind my back? I hear people saying that I'm working right now, afford to get new stuffs for myself but yet I still ask for subsidy?

LOOK FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I PAID OFF EVERYTHING AND CALLED OFF MY SUBSIDY EVEN BEFORE HEARING ALL THESE NONSENSE. I can show you the stupid receipt that was written black and white. Can somebody just tell me that if you care so much of the money, why didn't you get us all for an interview for the subsidisation? Why didn't you even bother to ASK ME the reason of getting a subsidy if you are so concern but ask the people around me? Why is it when I pay my tithes FAITHFULLY, nobody say anything. And by getting a subsidy of $100 even though I'm working makes it so difficult? So all I can say is, you care more about the money out than the going in. It's not making sense to me at all!

Come on, from all the cleansing stream, retreats blah blah.. Let me tell you, whatever that is being pass around, someone must have started it. You jolly know who you are and maybe I shall tell you this. Let us recap what is being taught. I am ANGRY, HURT, DISAPPOINTED and SAD. It's time for you to repent for all the hurt that you have done to me. Enough of all the retreat after retreat, can all these that I've learnt be put to use in something very practical (in my work)? How about people in school? Maybe I've finally realised why big church can really do well. It is because they know what is being practical and be able to apply in their daily lives from their weekly messages.

You know who you are. If it's not you that I'm talking about, take it as added information. I have guts to share all these with you. I'm a person with integrity. I feel everything that has been passing around is not making sense to me. Well, tell me if I need a counselling session with you. Please book me at least one week in advance. I may consider.

Anyway, I don't care whether you judge with me all that I've said here. Look into the mirror, what do you see?

posted by Michelle at 01:10:00 | 0 comments

Friday 11 May 2007
*.* *.*

These are some equations that I came out with... (Brains mean smartness here, Money means richness, looks mean you should know..)

Got brains, no money = Life sucks
Got money, no brains = It's okay, you can buy them
No brains, no money = Too bad, you're hopeless

No brains, no money, no looks = Oh dear, do you need some plastic surgery?
No brains, no money, got looks = Oh boy, You are lucky
No brains, got money, got looks = Oh boy, You are too lucky and blessed
Got brains, got money, got looks = Life is not fair, but you can dream about having them
(Very rare cases though)

God is quite fair afterall.

posted by Michelle at 11:00:00 | 0 comments

Saturday 5 May 2007
*.* *.*

It's been a long time since I last blogged and a long time since I read people's blog. I really must thank God for the job that He has provided me and all that I never thought I would get.

I got accepted by 2 universities now but I have deferred my studies till next year because my parents cannot really my university fees for now. My company has accepted my request and gave me a year contract to be a RF Assistant Engineer with pretty good benefits. I quite like the environment and the people I'm working with now. To be frank, I was pretty affected that I am unable to study now but to work and all that came to my mind was that I am going to waste a year and stuffs but come to think about it now, I should just take it as a good working experience for me.

Working life is really getting me more and more tired. I don't feel like going anyway, I don't feel like going to places where I used to like going, I don't like to hang out with big group of people anymore, I just want to be alone. Alone to stone, sleep, slack and shop.

Somehow it doesn't matter whether someone out there cares or not, it doesn't matter to me anymore. At the end of the day, everyone has to live their own life the way they want to.

Church seems like a place of judgement, it's becoming more and more like a stranger to me. All the things I do, seem to become more and more draggy. I'm beginning to feel tired, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I'm not moving anywhere, I know I'm stuck.

Maybe it's time to take a step back and be alone. A place where no one will step in. A place where it's just for me.

posted by Michelle at 22:55:00 | 0 comments