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Saturday 20 November 2004
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Had been real busy lately with camps, drama, helping here and there.. I haven't really catch my breath since my camp ended.
I'm in a deep dilema. Whatever decision I make it just seem so tough. I can't breath any longer. Look, if you want me to die, just stab a knief into my heart and I'll just die once and for all. Please don't let it drag and drag. It will never end. It's just a torture for me.
To hold on or to give up? I don't know what I'm holding on to, honestly. Somehow this time out, don't seem to be a fruitful one. I'm beginning to doubt many things in my life, even God. What is His plan for me? I don't know. I am tired, very very tired. I am still hoping that things will turn out to be something new. However, on the other hand, I really don't know what I am holding on to. The person or the relationship?
I feel like giving up. Giving up on this time out, walking out of his life, never step into it again. Giving up on what? Not giving up on him but this time out, this relationship. I've never given up on anybody. No one at all in my life and I will not.
The very sad thing is I still like him. Holding on to him and making him my prayer every night. I wish he would be mine, I wish he will come back. He is like a fish. I prayed for a fish and I'm given one and so I caught it by chance, not by mistake. But the moment I lift my fishing rod up, I know I like this fish but the very fact when I see it struggle to survive, it hurts me too much that I can't help but to let it go and swim back. I have no intention to hurt it. I let it go, feeling all so sad. Hoping it will swim back to me, still praying for it.
If it comes back, it's a bonus for me, I thank God for it is His plan. But if it doesn't, I can only keep the first love and just continue to pray for it, for it's safety that God will always bless it in any other way.
Somehow, I've let it go than to give up. I wish God will tell me if he's mine, I wish God will tell me if i'm made for him. If it doesn't, just send me away or him away. Let me be the one getting hurt and not him.
I like him for who he is. I don't expect him to change for me. I cannot change him, but I can let God do the changing in me.
I'm in a deep dilema. Whatever decision I make it just seem so tough. I can't breath any longer. Look, if you want me to die, just stab a knief into my heart and I'll just die once and for all. Please don't let it drag and drag. It will never end. It's just a torture for me.
To hold on or to give up? I don't know what I'm holding on to, honestly. Somehow this time out, don't seem to be a fruitful one. I'm beginning to doubt many things in my life, even God. What is His plan for me? I don't know. I am tired, very very tired. I am still hoping that things will turn out to be something new. However, on the other hand, I really don't know what I am holding on to. The person or the relationship?
I feel like giving up. Giving up on this time out, walking out of his life, never step into it again. Giving up on what? Not giving up on him but this time out, this relationship. I've never given up on anybody. No one at all in my life and I will not.
The very sad thing is I still like him. Holding on to him and making him my prayer every night. I wish he would be mine, I wish he will come back. He is like a fish. I prayed for a fish and I'm given one and so I caught it by chance, not by mistake. But the moment I lift my fishing rod up, I know I like this fish but the very fact when I see it struggle to survive, it hurts me too much that I can't help but to let it go and swim back. I have no intention to hurt it. I let it go, feeling all so sad. Hoping it will swim back to me, still praying for it.
If it comes back, it's a bonus for me, I thank God for it is His plan. But if it doesn't, I can only keep the first love and just continue to pray for it, for it's safety that God will always bless it in any other way.
Somehow, I've let it go than to give up. I wish God will tell me if he's mine, I wish God will tell me if i'm made for him. If it doesn't, just send me away or him away. Let me be the one getting hurt and not him.
I like him for who he is. I don't expect him to change for me. I cannot change him, but I can let God do the changing in me.
posted by Michelle at
22:06:00